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Posts: 360
Joined: 03 April 2010
Location: The only way is up
Jul 07, 2011 18:27
Emile Heskey turns up at Elland road with a back pack
"what you got in there" say's the security guard worriedly'
Heskey replies ,"some porn dvd's, some counterfeit match day tickets, some hooky replica shirts, some drugs and a gun"
The guard says" Thank feck for that..... I thought you'd brought your boots. !"
Posts: 2025
Joined: 21 January 2010
Location: 54 Canal Street
Jul 11, 2011 21:21
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to a fancy dress party?
Then all of a sudden he had a bright idea!
When the host answered the doorbell, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no trousers on!
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" askd the host.
"I'm a premature ejaculation!" replied the man "I just came in my pants!"
Posts: 2025
Joined: 21 January 2010
Location: 54 Canal Street
Jul 20, 2011 14:22
A man came round in hospital, after having suffered a serious car accident!
He shouted out loud "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The Doctor came running to the bedside and said "I know, I had to cut off your arms!"
Posts: 2025
Joined: 21 January 2010
Location: 54 Canal Street
Jul 28, 2011 08:26
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN!! - FASCINATE.
FASCINATE
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said,
'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep.
It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand.
She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said,
Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said,
'My aunt Debbie has a sweater
with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
Posts: 7727
Joined: 24 October 2008
Location: Bingley
Aug 02, 2011 14:52
i was watching him for a good 20 minutes on youtube hes in me top 3 comedians , he does a world cup one as well which is good because Heskey is in the audience
Posts: 1758
Joined: 17 February 2010
Location: Spain
Aug 02, 2011 16:41
This ones a bit of an oldie but still makes you laugh....
The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use as his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by
taking his new pet to watch afootball match with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go and see a footy match with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, buthe waited a few minutes andthen asked again, "How about going that match?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more and put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there!Would you like to go and see Leeds play?"
This time, a little voice came out of the box,
