RamseyWhite
LUFCTALK MODERATOR
Posts: 4258
Joined: 08 December 2008
Location: Ramsey, Cambridgeshire
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Feb 23, 2012 00:01
+15
Funny. 
x 2
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Davycc
Posts: 902
Joined: 03 August 2011
Location: Location: Western Britain just south of the Faroe Islands and up the road from ASDA
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Feb 23, 2012 01:11
Brilliant 
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+15
LUFCTALK MODERATOR
Posts: 3705
Joined: 28 June 2010
Location: We all love a Mc D
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Feb 23, 2012 20:48
You may have seen these already.
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bogdan
Posts: 9902
Joined: 08 October 2008
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Feb 23, 2012 20:50
+15
brill
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NottinghamWhite
LUFCTALK MODERATOR
Posts: 8667
Joined: 11 November 2009
Location: Born in The Gelderd End
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Feb 25, 2012 18:19
Marriage is like a deck of cards
At the beginning all you need are two Hearts and a Diamond
After 20 years you wish you had a Club and a Spade
When i was young my mum used to send me out covered in cream and put a cherry on top of my head !!!
Yes ......it was hard growing up in the gateaux !!!
They are all at it now - Johnathan Ross has been accused of taking a kitchen utensil from Asda.
He told Police it was a whisk worth taking
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Davycc
Posts: 902
Joined: 03 August 2011
Location: Location: Western Britain just south of the Faroe Islands and up the road from ASDA
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Feb 25, 2012 19:05
lol at thr Johnathon Ross one .....
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PockWhite
Posts: 2009
Joined: 21 January 2010
Location: 54 Canal Street
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Feb 25, 2012 22:15
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is sex?"
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."
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PockWhite
Posts: 2009
Joined: 21 January 2010
Location: 54 Canal Street
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Feb 25, 2012 22:17
A psychiatrist conducted a group therapy session with four mothers.
"You all have obsessions,".
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating and even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money and named your child Penny."
He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and you named your child Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
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PockWhite
Posts: 2009
Joined: 21 January 2010
Location: 54 Canal Street
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Feb 26, 2012 11:44
A man goes to a fancy dress, stark b@ll@ck naked, with a naked woman on his back.
The host answers the door and says "What are you supposed to be?"
"I've come as a tortoise," the man replies.
"Who's that woman on your back?"
"Oh, that's Michelle."
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cheffy007
Posts: 108
Joined: 01 January 2012
Location: Wimbledon
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Feb 26, 2012 12:22
Liverpool fans have asked the FA if they can take flares to Wembley for todays Carling cup final, its because that was what everyone was wearing last time they were there.
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bogdan
Posts: 9902
Joined: 08 October 2008
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Feb 26, 2012 13:10
Somewhere in E Europe 
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NottinghamWhite
LUFCTALK MODERATOR
Posts: 8667
Joined: 11 November 2009
Location: Born in The Gelderd End
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Feb 27, 2012 10:02
It was announced this morning that Glasgow Rangers are to rename their stadium The Inland Revenue Arena, that's I.R.A. for short. No worries though as it's only provisional 
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bogdan
Posts: 9902
Joined: 08 October 2008
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Feb 28, 2012 21:15
Spurs release commemorative DVD
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Davycc
Posts: 902
Joined: 03 August 2011
Location: Location: Western Britain just south of the Faroe Islands and up the road from ASDA
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Feb 28, 2012 23:09
Recipe for a Glasgow Christmas cake
1 cup of water
tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
1 bottle Johnnie Walker whisky
2 cups of dried fruit
Method
Sample the Johnnie Walker to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the whisky again.
To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Try another cup.
Turn off the mixerer. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares. Check the whisky.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or something. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven and put in the fridge. Turn the cake tin 350 defrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl through the window.
Check the whisky again and go to bed.
------------------l--------------------
Glasgow to Host 2020 Olympics
In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games the organisers of Glasgow's bid have drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
Opening Ceremony - The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Easterhouse area), wearing the traditional costume of shell suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for the duration of the games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.
The Events - In previous Olympic games, Scotland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes:
100 Metres Sprint- Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven(one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 Metres Hurdle - As above but with added obstacles (ie. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc.)
Hammer - Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
Fencing - Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewelry as possible in 5 minutes
Shooting - A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police car, the next a post office van and then a Securicor wages vehicle.
Boxing - Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of Tennents lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
Cycling Time Trials - Competitors will break into the University bike sheds and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
Cycling Pursuit- As above but the bike will belong to a visiting member of the Australian rugby team who will witness the theft.
Modern Pentathlon - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy-riding and arson.
The Marathon - A safe route has yet to be decided, but competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.
Swimming - Competitors will be thrown off the Clyde Suspension Bridge. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.
Men's 50km Walk - Unfortunately this event will have to be cancelled as police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow.
Closing Ceremony - Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of Glasgow Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Govan Boys Band. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it form the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
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Davycc
Posts: 902
Joined: 03 August 2011
Location: Location: Western Britain just south of the Faroe Islands and up the road from ASDA
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Feb 28, 2012 23:16
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on
the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded
his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was
funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her
straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at
him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door
to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."
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bogdan
Posts: 9902
Joined: 08 October 2008
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Feb 28, 2012 23:26
Davycc
Recipe for a Glasgow Christmas cake
Quality!
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Davycc
Posts: 902
Joined: 03 August 2011
Location: Location: Western Britain just south of the Faroe Islands and up the road from ASDA
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Mar 01, 2012 01:01
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says: " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says: "What for?"
Glasgow cop says: "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says: "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says: "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says: "The difference is, ye have te to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says: "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
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birkybullufc
Posts: 1295
Joined: 31 May 2011
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Mar 01, 2012 01:50
 Davycc
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says: " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says: "What for?"
Glasgow cop says: "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says: "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says: "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says: "The difference is, ye have te to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says: "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
Just what u need to read after a long day at work.
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birkybullufc
Posts: 1295
Joined: 31 May 2011
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Mar 01, 2012 01:52
NottinghamWhite
It was announced this morning that Glasgow Rangers are to rename their stadium The Inland Revenue Arena, that's I.R.A. for short. No worries though as it's only provisional
Also forwarded to Rangers fans that are probably now ex-friends of mine.
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AussieEllandRoad
Posts: 974
Joined: 21 January 2012
Location: El Hadji Dioufs lawyer
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Mar 01, 2012 06:48
The Doctor Mechanic
Young apprentice walks over to his teacher "Whats that old bloke doing here?"
"That's a new student, he decided to change jobs and become an apprentice mechanic" the teacher replied.
"What did he used to do?" said the young apprentice.
"He was a doctor for females only... you want I mean... for their downstairs area... check ups and things".
"Ohhh" said the boy.
As time went on, the new student got into his study and did well on the practical exams too.
"Where's the new student today" said the boy
"He's been sent for the rest of the year. He got 110% in his last practical exam" said the teacher
"110%" said the boy
The teacher leans forward "He got 100% for building the entire engine inside the engine bay and a further 10% for doing it all through the tail pipe"
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