Like almost every other website, LUFCTALK.com uses cookies to power some of its essential features and to provide an improved user experience over time.
Please click here to read more about what this means, or leave the site if you do not consent to it.
Latest addition in LUFC Video Clips: Leeds United Goals 2012-13 Season.
Click here to register Gain full access to the forum and take part in our prediction league.
Posts: 126
Joined: 10 August 2011
Location: CORCAIGH
Apr 20, 2012 23:11
PockWhite
Paddy rings an ambulance for his mate Mick.
"Come quick, my mate Mick is hurt and needs help fast!"
The operator tells Paddy to calm down and asks where he's at?
"104 Eucalyptus Boulevard" says Paddy.
"Can you spell that please" says the operator.
The line goes quiet and the operator says "Hello sir, are you still there?"
A couple of minutes later Paddy comes back on the line, "Right, I've just dragged him to 2 Oak Road!"
Funny true story about Dwight Yorke when he was playing for Villa.
I used to play for a team called the "Barley Mow", the Barley Mow at the time was the most popular bar in Solihull with easy 500 people there on a Sat night. We used to hold a Raffle on Saturdays to pay our experiences, kit, ground, Ref's etc etc. £50 to the winner, rest towards the team.
Well this one Saturday Dwight Yorke was in there with a couple of girls all over him like a rash, while he stood there with a smug snotty look on his face. Anyway after selling the tickets the DJ will call the winning number out and the winner goes and collects the £50 from the DJ, but there is a little twist, if you take too long collecting, the DJ will call 10 seconds warning after which he will draw a new number.
Anyway, he draws the winning number and talk about money making money Dwight Yorke wins!!! I remember watching him with a cool looking smug smile on his face, and the two girls looking at the winning ticket. I also noticed that he was the other side of the pub away from the DJ, and had not yet make his move to collect the winnings. Soon after the DJ calls the 10 second warning and with most of the pub counting down with the DJ 10,9,8, Dwight Yorke starts to make his move towards the DJ in a packed pub and i knew he had no chance making it in time.
The DJ called a new number out and soon after Dwight Yorke returns to the girls empty handed. He was trying to play it cool, shrugging his shoulders as if it didn't matter, but i could see the look on his face was not happy and he was getting less happy the more he thought about it (only if he could see my now smug smile). So after 10mins trying to forget about it, he just couldn't stop it from winding him up, so he went to the bar and asked for the pub manager and moaned!! The manager called our team manager over and said we need to give Dwight Yorke £50 also, this on top of the £50 we had to pay the redraw winner.!
It was unbelievable this rich pro footballer in a local bar where most will be Villa or Blues fans, took £50 off a Local football team! I know some of the lads came up with a song for the next home game, something like "Dwight Dwight you are so tight, you robbed the barley mow", cant remember the rest
Posts: 8682
Joined: 11 November 2009
Location: Born in The Gelderd End
Apr 21, 2012 18:22
That's very similar to one of mine.
We were driving down our road the other day and we saw an AA man by his van and he was clearly in tears and appeared very distraught and I said to our lass he looks like he is heading for a breakdown.
Posts: 560
Joined: 02 September 2011
Location: On the threshold of a dream
Apr 21, 2012 21:57
I was walking through a cemetery early one morning after a good night out when I was suddenly caught short so I ducked behind a gravestone.
There I was squat behind a gravestone with my pants round my ankles when a guy walks past & says "morning"
I replied "No, just having a dump"
Posts: 560
Joined: 02 September 2011
Location: On the threshold of a dream
Apr 21, 2012 22:04
A duck goes into a pub & says to the landlord "got any bread?" the landlord replies "Sorry we don't sell bread"
The duck says "ok, got any bread?" the landlord says "I've just told you we don't sell bread"
The duck says "got any bread?" the landlord says "look, this is a pub, we sell beers wines & spirits, we don't sell bread"
The duck says "got any bread?" the landlord says "Right I've told you we don't sell bread, now ask me one more time & I'll nail your beak to the bar"
After a short pause the duck says "got any nails?" the landlord replies "NO"
The duck says "got any bread?"
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
Posts: 2730
Joined: 28 December 2011
Location: New shirt? No chance! Bought a whole new house last time!
Apr 23, 2012 15:34
Bigsocks
What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
What she means.....
'How the hell am I gonna chat up that good looking bloke at the pub if I have no clean clothes to wear?'
Posts: 560
Joined: 02 September 2011
Location: On the threshold of a dream
Apr 23, 2012 16:13
Dog for sale
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a bloody liar, he's never been out of the garden."
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
What she means.....
'How the hell am I gonna chat up that good looking bloke at the pub if I have no clean clothes to wear?'
true, now i remember why ive been single for 15 years!
Posts: 109
Joined: 01 January 2012
Location: Wimbledon
Apr 23, 2012 20:09
Lionel Messi has again won the coveted "Ballon d'or" award for his sublime talent. Meanwhile Didier Drogba has won the less coveted "Fallon d'Floor" award.
Posts: 356
Joined: 03 April 2010
Location: The only way is up
Apr 23, 2012 20:22
A geordie lad pulls a sheffield lass in a bar and they go back to his flat, as soon as they get there he drops his pants'
" by eck thats a reet un" say's the sheffield lass,
" Whats a reet un?" asks the geordie lad,
"It means you've got a big one" she replies.
She then drops her kecks,
"By ,thats a canny un' " say's the geordie lad
"What,s a canny un' " ask's the sheffield lass,
" A bloody big valley that cowboy's ride through".
Always with the picking on the lass..... Pompey was a long time ago.... And unsubstantiated gossip!
