PockWhite
Posts: 2009
Joined: 21 January 2010
Location: 54 Canal Street
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May 30, 2012 22:48
I took my wife to a disco at the weekend.
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large; breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works!
My wife turned to me and said "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down!"
I said "Looks like he's still celebrating then!"
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Pecky10
Posts: 2731
Joined: 28 December 2011
Location: New shirt? No chance! Bought a whole new house last time!
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May 31, 2012 09:52
A simple explanation of how the world works.
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using Letters Of Credit opened by your bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country... You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
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The Johnson
LUFCTALK MODERATOR
Posts: 3043
Joined: 11 November 2009
Location: Auckland
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May 31, 2012 10:00
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cadillacjukebox
LUFCTALK Sponsor
Posts: 1497
Joined: 30 October 2008
Location: Leeds
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May 31, 2012 10:06
Pecky10
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You BBQ them. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
Fixed!!
p.s. very funny, and clever - liked that A. LOT.
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onenorthernsoul
LUFCTALK Sponsor
Posts: 3106
Joined: 19 December 2008
Location: KEEP FIGHTING!
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May 31, 2012 11:10
cadillacjukebox
Pecky10
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You BBQ them. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
Fixed!!
p.s. very funny, and clever - liked that A. LOT.
Ditto. The NZ one is very funny but a bit naughty No offence NZ folks, it just made me laugh.
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Pecky10
Posts: 2731
Joined: 28 December 2011
Location: New shirt? No chance! Bought a whole new house last time!
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May 31, 2012 11:14
onenorthernsoul
Ditto. The NZ one is very funny but a bit naughty No offence NZ folks, it just made me laugh.
There's a few that are a bit naughty, I figured the Mods would delete any that were too close to the mark
No offence intended to anyone.
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The Johnson
LUFCTALK MODERATOR
Posts: 3043
Joined: 11 November 2009
Location: Auckland
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May 31, 2012 11:33
I was only messing. None are offensive to me!
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birkybullufc
Posts: 1295
Joined: 31 May 2011
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May 31, 2012 12:51
Pecky10
A simple explanation of how the world works.
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using Letters Of Credit opened by your bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country... You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.
Very good stuff. A lot better than the pet shop joke from yourself and spiderman yesterday. 
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Pecky10
Posts: 2731
Joined: 28 December 2011
Location: New shirt? No chance! Bought a whole new house last time!
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May 31, 2012 12:56
birkybullufc
Very good stuff.
birkybullufc
A lot better than the pet shop joke from yourself and spiderman yesterday.
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birkybullufc
Posts: 1295
Joined: 31 May 2011
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May 31, 2012 14:54
Not funny tweet.
Aston Villa have agreed compensation package with Norwich City for the rights to feeder club LUFC. 
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The Johnson
LUFCTALK MODERATOR
Posts: 3043
Joined: 11 November 2009
Location: Auckland
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May 31, 2012 15:04
birkybullufc
Not funny tweet.
Aston Villa have agreed compensation package with Norwich City for the rights to feeder club LUFC.
Made me laugh 
He's Robert Snodgrass and he plays where he wants (as long as Lambert lets him.)
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cadillacjukebox
LUFCTALK Sponsor
Posts: 1497
Joined: 30 October 2008
Location: Leeds
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May 31, 2012 15:06
Sheepy - you need to do a special delivery to Melanie Sykes, she has tweeted that she "is a giddy knickers".
So, some form of special badge could be tweeted to her, no?
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sheepy
Posts: 10400
Joined: 08 October 2008
Location: Rothwell
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May 31, 2012 15:22
If only I was not at work
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Mr Russell
Posts: 1717
Joined: 03 December 2009
Location: Somewhere (or Newcastle NSW Australia)
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May 31, 2012 21:58
Pecky10
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
You have no idea how true this is!
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NottinghamWhite
LUFCTALK MODERATOR
Posts: 8682
Joined: 11 November 2009
Location: Born in The Gelderd End
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Jun 03, 2012 09:09
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bogdan
Posts: 9902
Joined: 08 October 2008
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Jun 03, 2012 19:10
I typed 'Hell' instead of 'Hull' into my Sat-Nav.
I still got there.
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NottinghamWhite
LUFCTALK MODERATOR
Posts: 8682
Joined: 11 November 2009
Location: Born in The Gelderd End
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Jun 03, 2012 19:27
Sorry cant resist
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Barlow Boy
Posts: 1023
Joined: 22 January 2012
Location: Barlow, obviously
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Jun 03, 2012 20:02
NottinghamWhite
Sorry cant resist
That is brilliant, absolutely brilliant. 
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KING_BILLY
Posts: 159
Joined: 20 July 2011
Location: Leeds
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Jun 03, 2012 20:13
NottinghamWhite
Sorry cant resist
Its magic that seen it a few times (phil) but the guy on the right with the watch on his left hand doing the norman wisdom impression always makes me laugh!!!
M.O.T.
King Billy
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KING_BILLY
Posts: 159
Joined: 20 July 2011
Location: Leeds
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Jun 03, 2012 20:17
Went walking the dog this morning in our local park.
Nail to a tree with a six ince nail.
Was a 2012/13 SCUM season ticket .
Though im having that .
You carnt get hold of six ince nails any more !!!!!!
M.O.T
King Billy
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