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Posts: 2009
Joined: 21 January 2010
Location: 54 Canal Street
Jan 07, 2011 11:47
Just had this texted to me:-
Due to the current severe water shortgages in Northern Ireland, Belfast swimming baths have just announced that, as a water saving measure, they will until further notice, be closing lanes 7 & 8!
Posts: 8675
Joined: 11 November 2009
Location: Born in The Gelderd End
Jan 11, 2011 15:49
Due to the current financial problems surrounding a lot of football clubs at the moment man u have had to release 15 members of staff from their payroll. The 5 referees and 10 linesman are said to be devastated
Posts: 2009
Joined: 21 January 2010
Location: 54 Canal Street
Jan 11, 2011 19:30
My next door neighbour has just recently hired an eastern European cleaner.
Apparently it took her 5 days to hoover the house!
Turns out she was a Slovak!
Posts: 7685
Joined: 24 October 2008
Location: Bingley
Jan 12, 2011 00:48
I tried that thing today at the petrol station where you try and stop the pump bang on what you want to pay, but let it go a fraction too late and it stopped on £20.03.
"Bollocks!" I shouted and walked into the shop to pay.
"Unlucky, mate," smiled the attendant, who'd seen what I'd done. "Don't worry about the extra."
"Cheers, mate," I said as I handed him my tenner and walked off.
Posts: 97
Joined: 05 November 2009
Location: Brisbane
Jan 13, 2011 13:31
True story....
Bloke in Rockhampton was asked by a news reporter the usual inane question after discovering his house was under water....
'So, how has this affected your plans?'
'Well, I guess I won't be doing the mowing this weekend'
Posts: 2009
Joined: 21 January 2010
Location: 54 Canal Street
Jan 18, 2011 20:49
In our village church cemetery today, I saw 4 men carrying a coffin round and round.
3 hours later I walked past again and I saw the same 4 men with the same coffin and I thought to myself...........................they've lost the f***ing plot!!
Posts: 1201
Joined: 03 December 2009
Location: North and South of the border
Jan 19, 2011 02:02
Two Women were chatting in the office.
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... My husband came home, ate his dinner in three
minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two
minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic
dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the
house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and
afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands were talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and
fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the
electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so
expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and
when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light effing candles all over the
house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't come for another
hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering
away for another effing hour.
Posts: 1201
Joined: 03 December 2009
Location: North and South of the border
Jan 19, 2011 02:13
A bloke from Leeds was in a Manchester antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"
The owner replied: "It’s 12 Quid for the rat, and 100 Quid for the story."
The fellow gave the owner his 12 Quid and said, "I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story!"
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks, the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed and ran on towards the nearest canal and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster. By now, very concerned, he ran down to the canal and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, "Ah, you’ve come back for the story then?"
"Shit no!" said the bloke, "I came back to see if you’ve got a bronze Man U and Huddersfield supporters.
Posts: 1201
Joined: 03 December 2009
Location: North and South of the border
Jan 19, 2011 15:32
Three irish blokes were walking to the pub when they passed what looked like a big fat steaming dog turd.
The first bloke pickedit up and said to the others " It feels like a turd!"
The second bloke took it and broke it open and rubbed a little under his nose and said to the others, "It smells like a turd!"
The last bloke took it and gave it a nibble and said, "it tastes like a turd and I think that's exactly what it is!"
He threw it back on the ground and said "Lucky we didn't step on that!!
Posts: 4258
Joined: 08 December 2008
Location: Ramsey, Cambridgeshire
Jan 26, 2011 00:45
Still worth a viewing Bogdan, if only to show how useless Windass is.
I also don't like Merson & Phil Thompson but the rest of the pundits are OK on Sky.
Posts: 2009
Joined: 21 January 2010
Location: 54 Canal Street
Jan 28, 2011 15:55
FOR HIRE:- Pundit, looking for work in the Middle East, Iran, Saudi eyt.
Basically anywhere where women know their place!!
All offers to andygray@jobseekers.com
