The funny corner

[Davycc]

OK then,

How does the barber cut the moons hair?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
eclipse her

[Sniffer]

I met a fella in the pub who agreed to assassinate her indoors for me.
as much as I wanted her gone I still wanted it done quick and painless for her.
He assured me it would be as he would shoot just below the left nipple.
I had to tell him I wanted her dead, not knee capped.

Oi! Davy, you posted that on 2 May.

God I really REALLY want her gone

I can see from your photo that she's trying rip your head off. Send her over here and I'll see what I can do.

[Davycc]

I met a fella in the pub who agreed to assassinate her indoors for me.
as much as I wanted her gone I still wanted it done quick and painless for her.
He assured me it would be as he would shoot just below the left nipple.
I had to tell him I wanted her dead, not knee capped.

Oi! Davy, you posted that on 2 May.

God I really REALLY want her gone

I can see from your photo that she's trying rip your head off. Send her over here and I'll see what I can do.

Will you take the air fare out of the payment please, it strapped at the minute.

You did say £200 for the job?

[PockWhite]

LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on
me.

When chemists die, they barium.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.

[NottinghamWhite]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous, “says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .........
"What the feck would they want with a plasterer...

[Tourist]

It's got to be in the funny corner, just got to. On the difficulties of living in the North:

https://uk.sports.yahoo.com/news/nolito ... 37616.html

[daib0]

Confirmed ... according to these experts it seems Labour will win:


Suffolk Gazette


Our psychic dog picks UK general election winner

The Suffolk Gazette’s very own Psychic Dog has carefully selected the winner of the UK general election.

http://www.suffolkgazette.com/videos/ps ... g-election

On YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btOAtG6Ow_Q

[Davycc]

The image below was taken by a couple on honeymoon and posted directly on facebook via their phone, they should have checked it first !!

[johnh]

Its amazing how some key inventions come as a result of simple incidents. Cats eyes in the road were invented when a guy was driving down the road in the pitch black and saw a cat walking towards him. The cats eyes reflected his headlights and 'cats eyes' in the road were born.
If the cat had been walking in the opposite direction he might have invented the pencil sharpener.

[Davycc]

‘OLD' IS WHEN...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

You're not sure if these are facts or jokes!!