The funny corner

[SCOTTISH LEEDS]

The British Penny*

*European Union Directive No. 456179 **
*
In order to bring about further integration with the
single European currency, the Euro,

all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain
and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase

“ Spending a Penny” is not to be used after
31 December 2014
From this date onwards, the correct term will be:
“Euronating” .

It is hoped that this will be a great relief to
everyone.

[SCOTTISH LEEDS]

There were two men who played golf together every Sunday. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was a proud bugger, and never took any strokes to even up the score.

One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee.

He says to his friend, "I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm aboot ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year. I sat doon and counted it up last night and it comes tae aboot a £1000. Ye up for it?"


The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. "How fuckin' good could a gorilla be at golf?" he thought.


Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards.

The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green.

The gorilla waddles up to the tee-off, takes a few powerful practice swings and then horses the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, and it stops about 6 inches away from the hole.


The guy turns to his friend and says "That's fuckin' incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it wi' my ain eyes. But, you know what, I've seen enough. I've got nae interest in being totally reamed oot by this gorilla golfing machine. You take it back back to where ye got it frae. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll write ye oot a cheque for you gettin' back."


The bloke leaves to take the gorilla back, and when he gets back his mate hands over the cheque for the grand and, well into his third double drowning his sorrows, asks, "By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?"


The other guy replies, "Same as his driving."


"That good, eh?"


"Good? Naw. He hits putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the middle!"

[Deleted User 728]

[johnh]

Not as funny as when I first heard it in 1978.

[SiMamu]

[Selby White]

History Lesson :-

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families

used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery... if you had to do this to survive

you were ‘P**s Poor’.



But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...they ‘didn't have a pot to p**s in’ & were the lowest of the low.



The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

· Most people got married in June because they took theiryearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good byJune. However, since they were starting to smell...

· Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

· Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all were the babies. By then, the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, ‘Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!’.



Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw piled high, with no floor underneath and just the rafters holding it up. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (and mice and bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained, the roof became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof... Hence the saying ‘It's raining cats and dogs’.



With roofs like that, there was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into

existence.



The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor."



The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start drifting outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.



In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big

kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.



Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, ‘bring home the bacon’. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.



Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach into the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.



Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.



Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of ‘holding a wake’.



England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realised they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be ‘saved by the bell’ or was considered a ‘dead ringer’

[dlw10]

Amazing - hadn't heard most of that! Where did you get it all from?

[Selby White]

Amazing - hadn't heard most of that! Where did you get it all from?

Not sure where it originates from was sent it by email from a friend.

[SCOTTISH LEEDS]

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in
place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to
speak:
a.. My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
b.. My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
c.. My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the
City Centre."
d.. "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential
buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away, never knowing the
extent of his property holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse
says, "Mrs Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man
to have accumulated all this wealth".

Sarah replies, “Wealth? .... Wealth! The a**ehole had a paper round!"

[johnh]

A help line has been set up for Sunderland supporters. It is an 0800 number.