The funny corner

[johnh]

My initials are JPH. My middle name is 'Procrastination'. at least it would be if I could be bothered to contact Deed Poll.

[SCOTTISH LEEDS]

You can now get insurance for sex in the UK

Make sure you get the CORRECT insurance for the sex you are having.

Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:-

Sex with your wife - Legal & General

Sex with your partner - Standard Life

Sex with someone different - Go Compare

Sex with multiple partners - More Than

Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels

Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union

Sex with an OAP - Saga

Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line

Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident

You should also note that if you are considering
Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability

MAKE SURE YOU ARE ADEQUATELY COVERED

[Barlow Boy]

The following was a conversation I had with an ex-girlfriend;

Her - Do you know, I am so ugly.
Me - How do you mean ?.
Her - My hair is a mess, my eyes are all bloodshot, I have got fat cheeks, three double chins, my boobs are round my waist and I have got a fat bum. Please pay me a compliment Kev.
Me - You've got excellent eyesight.

[PockWhite]

I was in Hull the other day looking for a B & Q store,

After driving around for ages I stopped at the side of the road and asked a local....

"Is there a B & Q in Hull?"

He said "No, Two L's a U and a H"

[PockWhite]

I tried to order the new ebola band aid song off itunes......

but my anti-virus wouldn't allow it.

[SCOTTISH LEEDS]

A gambler in Northern Ireland was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The gambler made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The gambler was elated.

He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ..

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race
And blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
The gambler knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last.

In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won.
Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile.
Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'My Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants.
You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites

[PockWhite]

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

I only intended to rough him up a bit.

[SCOTTISH LEEDS]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.



In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his ...first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'




The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Johnston since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'



The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

[SCOTTISH LEEDS]

He laid her on the table so white and clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and felt her breast then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set, he gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide, he looked inside, all was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms,
Then stuffed the Christmas turkey!

May We be the first to wish you and your dirty little mind a very MERRY Xmas!

[johnh]

Feeling a bit suicidal after the Derby game so phoned Samaritans. Apparently, its been outsourced to India and Pakistan. The Pakistani guy I spoke to became quite excited when I told him I felt suicidal and he asked if I could drive a lorry.