The funny corner

[johnh]

Had a power cut today. Lap-top didn't work, TV didn't work, couldn't play golf as it was pouring down. Decided to make a coffee but the kettle didn't work. Chatted to the wife for a couple of hours and she seems quite a nice person.

[PockWhite]

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!! To hell with that, I thought.
I can get one cheaper off the web.

[NottinghamWhite]

[daib0]

Once upon a time there was a family of potatoes. Mother potato, Father potato and their three daughter potatoes. One day one of the daughters comes home and said "I'm so excited, I'm getting married to a Royal Jersey". "Oh thats wonderful" said the parents, "our daughter is marrying into royalty".

The next day the second daughter comes home and says "I'm so excited, I'm marrying a King Edward". "Oh thats wonderful" said the parents, "two of our daughters are marrying into royalty".

The next night the third daughter arrives home and says "I'm so excited, I'm marrying John Motson".

"You can't marry John Motson" said the parents "he's a common tater"!!

[mapperleywhite]

The local news station was interviewing an
80-year-old lady because she had just gotten
married for the fourth time. The interviewer
asked her questions about her life, about
what it felt like to be marrying again at 80,
and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling
him a little about her first three husbands and
what they did for a living. She paused for a few
moments, needing time to reflect on all those
years. After a short time, a smile came to her
face and she answered proudly, explaining that
she had first married a banker when she was in
her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her
40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now
in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished,
and asked why she had married four men with
such diverse careers.

(Wait for it)

She smiled and explained, "I married one for
the money, two for the show, three to get ready,
and four to go."

[Davycc]

[daib0]

•I used to have a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.

•I got stuck in a traffic jam. The traffic report said the road workers had played two games of football, in dance costumes, on the gravel. And the sports report confirmed, it was tu-tu on aggregate.

•I’m not very tech savvy. Maybe it’s my age. I’ve been trying to download this video on incontinence. Problem is, it’s just continually streaming.

•My friend has a daily blog, posting at length about her breakfast. It’s always nothing but waffle.

•I got into a pointless argument with the manager at the local garden centre, when he suggested I needed decking.

•I have a very cute kitten, but he does get everywhere. Recently, he got his feet caught under my Sky Box, and now my telly’s permanently on paws.

•My Roman friend won’t go and see the film Poison Ivy until he’s been to see the films Poison 1 ...

•If you take a Daily Mirror poll, you may find that most of its readers are Labour party supporters. If you take a Telegraph poll, you may find that most of your wires fall down.

[SCOTTISH LEEDS]

A guy walks into a pub with a biscuit tin and a duck, puts the tin on the bar and
the duck on the tin and imediately the duck starts dancing. Barman says "Thats
good, must be quite a crowd puller". " Yep, people will stand and watch it
all day" replied the man. Sure enough the pub quickly filled with people wanting
to see the dancing duck, and who then spent lots of money in the bar. Barman says
"Do you fancy selling the duck" so a deal is done, and as the man leaves he
says "The duck will only dance on that tin so keep them together and if you have
any problems, phone me". The bar man then closes the pub, and sits back and
counts his takings whilst the duck still dances. After an hour, the duck is still
dancing and the bar man thinks "how can I stop the duck from dancing, the guy
told me to keep them together so what do I do". All night the bar man lays in
bed listening to the rattle of webbed feet on an empty tin, till eventualy he phone
the guy and says "How the hell do I stop this bloody duck from dancing", Did
you take the lid of the tin?" asks the guy, "Why" said the barman,
"Cos then you can blow the candle out"

[NottinghamWhite]

The Missing Wife
A husband went to police station to report his missing wife:

Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has
still not come home.
Sergeant : What is her height ?
Husband : Oh, 5 foot something . . .
Sergeant : Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : Colour of her eyes?
Husband : Green …. Or are they blue….
Sergeant : Colour of her hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant : What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : Yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : Range Rover Sport, 62 plate, Black, Electric Tailgate, Full black leather interior, Audio System - DAB Radio, Climate Control - Automatic with Air Filtration, Premium ICE, Cruise Control, it has a small scratch on the passenger door about one inch long.

At this point the husband started crying...

Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We’ll find your car...

[johnh]

We had a mega localised storm. Gale force winds, torrential rain, sleet, and hailstones. The wife spent ages looking from the window but I couldn't let her in as I was watching the football on the tele.