The funny corner

[NottinghamWhite]

My wife and I had a big argument last night. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible…

Wait until she hears I've won the Nigerian lottery!

[NottinghamWhite]

https://twitter.com/martynziegler/statu ... 26118?s=21

[Davycc]

https://twitter.com/martynziegler/statu ... 26118?s=21

That is utterly brilliant

[NottinghamWhite]

I named my coffee table Van Gogh...

It has a bit of veneer missing!

[NottinghamWhite]

https://twitter.com/lufchistory/status/ ... 17984?s=21

[Saxon]

Boer War, early last century.
Young new recruit in British Infantry, advancing into battle, Boer commandos start shooting, kid panics, turns and runs.
Loud voice shouts "you, stop right there"
Kid stops, says "Sorry Sargent I lost my nerve"
"I am NOT the Sargent, I am the Colonel you fool".
"Blimey" says the young guy,"Have I ran that far?"

[frogmill0]

An Australian tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC CONVENIENCES.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness'. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the Australian, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public convenience."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

[cheffy007]

Christmas question.
Do you prefer
A. A hot spiced wine
B. A warm spiced wine
C. A cold spiced wine
D. None of the above.
This is a mulled tipple choice quiz.

[NottinghamWhite]

An old dear in front of me at the checkout was £4.60 short for her shopping, so I did the decent thing and put the stuff she couldn't afford back on the shelves.

Well, it's Christmas innit ?

I can always tell what's in a present under the Christmas tree.

It's a gift.

[Saxon]

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"
Solskjaer:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, Manager of scum”.
Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Solskjaer: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Solskjaer but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Solskjaer,"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
Solskjaer stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Solskjaer?”

Good one CW. I just sent it to a misguided relative of mine.