BrighouseWhite wrote:A man bought a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner: …
Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school
(robot slaps the son and he immediately changes his mind)
Okay, okay, I went to the movies!
Dad: Which one?
Son: Harry Potter
(robot slaps the son again!)
Okay Alright, I was watching porno.
Dad: What? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porno is!
(robot slaps dad)
Mom: Hahahahaha! After all he is your Son!
(robot gives Mom a hot dirty slap)
David Beckham gets into a taxi and notices the driver looking at him in the rear-view mirror.
After a couple of minutes the driver says: "OK, give me a clue."
Beckham says: "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over a 100 caps for England. Is that enough?"
Driver replies: "No, you dopy bugger . Where do you want to go?”
NottinghamWhite wrote:David Beckham gets into a taxi and notices the driver looking at him in the rear-view mirror.
After a couple of minutes the driver says: "OK, give me a clue."
Beckham says: "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played in America and got over a 100 caps for England. Is that enough?"
Driver replies: "No, you dopy bugger . Where do you want to go?”
A teacher was helping her third-grade students with a math problem. After choosing a student in particular, she recited the following story:
“Billy, there are three birds sitting on a telephone wire. A man with a gun shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?”
The boy pauses. “None,” he replied thoughtfully.
“No, no, no. Let’s try again, maybe you didn’t hear me correctly,” the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers.
“There are three birds sitting on a wire. A man with a gun shoots one,” she puts down one finger, “how many birds are left on the wire?”
“None,” the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. “Tell me how you came up with that.”
“It’s simple,” says the boy, “after the man shot one bird, the noise from the gun scared the other two away.” “Well,” she says, “that’s not technically correct, but I like the way you think.” “Thanks,” says the boy, “now let me ask you a question.”
“Okay,” she said guardedly.
“There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?” he asked innocently.
The teacher looked at the boy’s angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.
“C’mon,” the boy said impatiently, “which one is it, the one licking the popsicle, the one biting it, or the one sucking it?
Which one is married?”
“Well, uh,” she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied,
“the one who’s sucking?”
“Naw,” he says with surprise, “the one with the wedding ring.
But I like the way you think.”
There's light at the end of the tunnel and the future's looking very bright indeed.
A Welsh farmer drove to a neighbours farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your dad or your mum home?” said the farmer.
“No, they went to town.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No, he went with Mum and Dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
“I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.” said the boy.
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter Susie pregnant”.
The boy thought for a moment…
“You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the pig, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”
There's light at the end of the tunnel and the future's looking very bright indeed.
For the past 20 years, I've had a Valentines card from a secret admirer. I was really sad yesterday that I didn't get one this year. First my Gran dies now this
