A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
The funny corner
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NottinghamWhite
- LUFCTALK Admin
- Posts: 31307
- Joined: 11 Nov 2009, 10:10
Re: The funny corner
Winner of the Europa League
Re: The funny corner
This lady walks into her boss's office one day and says,
"Sir, I'd like to file a sexual harassment complaint."
Her boss says, "Well what's your complaint?"
She says, "My co-worker Joe said my hair smelled nice."
The boss says, "That's really not sexual harassment."
The lady counters, "But, Joe's a midget!"
"Sir, I'd like to file a sexual harassment complaint."
Her boss says, "Well what's your complaint?"
She says, "My co-worker Joe said my hair smelled nice."
The boss says, "That's really not sexual harassment."
The lady counters, "But, Joe's a midget!"
We are Leeds, we have to believe our new players are good enough, encourage and support them and help them grow in to a team to be reckoned with. MoT
Re: The funny corner
A guy is in the pub and a woman who he thinks he recognises comes up and says 'you are the father of one of my kids'. The guy panics. He has only been unfaithful to his wife once. He says 'are you the stripper I made love to on the pool table in the back room of the Red Lion'?
She looked him straight in the eye and said 'no, I'm your son's teacher'.
She looked him straight in the eye and said 'no, I'm your son's teacher'.
I once played against Don Revie.
Re: The funny corner
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
“Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent.
As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office.”
The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.
The next week the lady goes back to his office. “Doctor,” she says,
“I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!”
The doctor says, “Good, Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
“Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent.
As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office.”
The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.
The next week the lady goes back to his office. “Doctor,” she says,
“I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!”
The doctor says, “Good, Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
We are Leeds, we have to believe our new players are good enough, encourage and support them and help them grow in to a team to be reckoned with. MoT
Re: The funny corner
Children are like farts.......
Your own are ok but you can't stand anyone elses!
Your own are ok but you can't stand anyone elses!
We are Leeds, we have to believe our new players are good enough, encourage and support them and help them grow in to a team to be reckoned with. MoT
Re: The funny corner
Brilliant!johnh wrote:A guy is in the pub and a woman who he thinks he recognises comes up and says 'you are the father of one of my kids'. The guy panics. He has only been unfaithful to his wife once. He says 'are you the stripper I made love to on the pool table in the back room of the Red Lion'?
She looked him straight in the eye and said 'no, I'm your son's teacher'.
Re: The funny corner
http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-china-23714896
They only realised that it was not a lion when it barked
They only realised that it was not a lion when it barked
Re: The funny corner
Male or Female? You might not know this...but a lot of non-living objects
are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can
see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off....it takes a while
to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over
inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... Because to get them to go
anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their arse.
SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft......squeezable and retain
water.
WEB PAGES:
Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting
hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male... Because they always use the same old lines for
picking up people..
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because....over time....all the weight
shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male..... Because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed
at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but
consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and
while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying
are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can
see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off....it takes a while
to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over
inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... Because to get them to go
anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their arse.
SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft......squeezable and retain
water.
WEB PAGES:
Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting
hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male... Because they always use the same old lines for
picking up people..
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because....over time....all the weight
shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male..... Because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed
at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but
consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and
while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying
We are Leeds, we have to believe our new players are good enough, encourage and support them and help them grow in to a team to be reckoned with. MoT
Re: The funny corner
Man rules
at last a bloke has taken the time to write this all down
we always hear 'the rules' from the female side
now here are the rules from the male side
these are our rules!
Please note. These are all numbered #1 on purpose!
1. Men are not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher columbus did not need directions and neither do we...
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings..
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear..
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.
1.. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.
1. You have enough clothes.
1 .. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!
1.. Thank you for reading this. Yes, i know, i have to sleep on the couch tonight.. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...
at last a bloke has taken the time to write this all down
we always hear 'the rules' from the female side
now here are the rules from the male side
these are our rules!
Please note. These are all numbered #1 on purpose!
1. Men are not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher columbus did not need directions and neither do we...
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings..
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear..
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.
1.. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.
1. You have enough clothes.
1 .. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!
1.. Thank you for reading this. Yes, i know, i have to sleep on the couch tonight.. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...
We are Leeds, we have to believe our new players are good enough, encourage and support them and help them grow in to a team to be reckoned with. MoT
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Wigan White
- Arthur Fairclough's milliner
- Posts: 2756
- Joined: 05 Aug 2011, 13:19
- Location: Wigan
Re: The funny corner
Apologies in advance to anyone offended by this, but I thought it was bloody brilliant.
This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved ...with someone. If the contestant answers'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'
Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please.'
Contestant: 'Brian.'
DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'
Brian: 'Sara.'
DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'
Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'
Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'
Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'
Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'
DJ: 'Uh huh...'
Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'
DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.
You listen to this.'
[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: 'Kinkos.'
DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'
Clerk: 'This is she.'
DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'
Sarah: 'No.'
DJ: 'Good!'
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'
DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
DJ: 'What time?'
Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Well...'
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'
They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.
This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved ...with someone. If the contestant answers'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'
Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please.'
Contestant: 'Brian.'
DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'
Brian: 'Sara.'
DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'
Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'
Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'
Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'
Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'
DJ: 'Uh huh...'
Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'
DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.
You listen to this.'
[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: 'Kinkos.'
DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'
Clerk: 'This is she.'
DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'
Sarah: 'No.'
DJ: 'Good!'
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'
DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
DJ: 'What time?'
Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Well...'
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'
They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.