The funny corner

The place to discuss anything that isn't football or LUFC
Deleted User 728

Re: The funny corner

Post by Deleted User 728 »

Priceless :D :D :D :D :D
Spiderman
Eddie Gray's leftorium proprietor
Posts: 892
Joined: 02 Sep 2011, 08:42

Re: The funny corner

Post by Spiderman »

Woman:

Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:

How many beers a day?

Man:

Usually about 3

Woman:

How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:

And how long have you been drinking?

Man:

About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:

So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending
each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400
…correct?

Man:

Correct

Woman:

If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:

Correct

Woman:

Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could
have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought
a Ferrari?

Man:

Do you drink beer?

Woman:









No





Man:








Wheres your Ferrari?
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PockWhite
Howard Wilkinson's military attaché
Posts: 5990
Joined: 21 Jan 2010, 17:30
Location: 54 Canal Street

Re: The funny corner

Post by PockWhite »

The Third 'Nile' virus is coming!
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965 .....

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail ! That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person..yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.. Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND.." And I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Hmmm.....Have I already sent this to you, or did you send it to me?
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Aces
Don Revie's bingo caller
Posts: 6415
Joined: 04 Jun 2013, 19:10

Re: The funny corner

Post by Aces »

A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife:
"I have decided to plant some vegetables in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"You won't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the vegetables.
We are Leeds, we have to believe our new players are good enough, encourage and support them and help them grow in to a team to be reckoned with. MoT
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PockWhite
Howard Wilkinson's military attaché
Posts: 5990
Joined: 21 Jan 2010, 17:30
Location: 54 Canal Street

Re: The funny corner

Post by PockWhite »

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam towards the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times, with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times, with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody!"
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all in the first place?"
"Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied,
"Because they taste better if you scare the sh*t out of them first!"
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johnh
Bielsa's English Teacher
Posts: 8522
Joined: 24 Jan 2012, 15:26

Re: The funny corner

Post by johnh »

There is a brilliant cartoon in the current issue of Private Eye. There is a picture of Pippa Middleton with her new boyfriend. He is a typical 'Sloane Ranger' wearing bright red trousers. The caption is 'Pippa photographed with spectacular a*se'.

Apologies to Nottingham White if he wears red trousers. :D
I once played against Don Revie.
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Aces
Don Revie's bingo caller
Posts: 6415
Joined: 04 Jun 2013, 19:10

Re: The funny corner

Post by Aces »

Suarez won't be joining Arsenal after failing his medical. He suffered a massive asthma attack after breathing in the dust in the Emirates trophy room. :lol:
We are Leeds, we have to believe our new players are good enough, encourage and support them and help them grow in to a team to be reckoned with. MoT
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Selby White
LUFCTALK Moderator
Posts: 17206
Joined: 25 Mar 2012, 11:32

Re: The funny corner

Post by Selby White »

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you.
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Aces
Don Revie's bingo caller
Posts: 6415
Joined: 04 Jun 2013, 19:10

Re: The funny corner

Post by Aces »

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly.
"Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.-You have five
people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law".

"The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over.
I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry,"
responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
We are Leeds, we have to believe our new players are good enough, encourage and support them and help them grow in to a team to be reckoned with. MoT
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Pecky10
Raich Carter's Contract Agent
Posts: 3535
Joined: 28 Dec 2011, 11:17

Re: The funny corner

Post by Pecky10 »

Selby White wrote:These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
I was once asked by a court clerk if I had brought a copy of a letter that I hadn't received with me to the court that day :D
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