LUFCTALK

Just sold all my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal.

What do you call a hen staring at a lettuce - Chicken see her salad

Why can't you use stewing steak as a Windows password - it's not Stroganoff

Why do bees stay in their hive in winter - swarm

I saw this advert in a shop window that said " TV for sale, £1, volume stuck on full " I thought " I can't turn that down "

I had a knock on the front door last night, it was the police.
Policeman - "Is this a photograph of your wife?"
Me- "Yes"
Policeman- "I'm afraid it would appear she has been in a serious road accident!"
Me- "Yes but she has a lovely personality!"

I was watching the Japanese football match when the players all started doing martial arts.

Turns out the game had gone into ninjury time

BrighouseWhite wrote:I was watching the Japanese football match when the players all started doing martial arts.

Turns out the game had gone into ninjury time

A Leeds fan and a Man Ure fan get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the Scum fan says, "So you're a Leeds fan, that's interesting. I'm a Man Ure fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left but, fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The Leeds fan replied, "I totally agree - this must be a sign from God!" He went on, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?"

He hands the bottle to the Scum fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Leeds fan. He takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Scum fan. He asks, "Aren't you having any?"

He replies, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the police..."

I've been paying 2 pounds a week to the Cats Protection League for a year. Missed two payments and they came and broke my cats legs.

Don't cry 4 3 Argentina

My wife yelled at me earlier "You weren't even listening there, were you?"

I thought "What a weird way to start a conversation".