LUFCTALK

My mates wife crashed her car yesterday. She told the police that the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking beer from a can at the time. The police said that the gentleman is entitled to do whatever he wants in his own garden.

Stolen the above.

Davycc wrote:I just had a weird dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram...

I was like, 0mg!

Ha. Love geeky jokes. Reminds me of the oldie but geeky:

Einstein, Pascal and Newton are playing hide and seek. Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting. While Pascal runs off and hides, Newton takes out some chalk and marks a square on the ground with a side length of exactly 1 meter, then sits down inside the square.
When Einstein is finished counting and sees Newton sitting on the ground, he yells, "Ha, I've found you, Newton!". Newton replies, "No you haven't! You've found Pascal! :ugeek:

I can’t believe I got fired on my first day at the bank,. A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.

Her indoors asked for a little peace and quiet while she was cooking, so I took the batteries out of the smoke detector.

Warning adult content

So wont paste direct link

https://youtu.be/_mZB94YTClo

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him.

He floored it to 140 , then 150, … then 155, … Suddenly he thought, “I’m too old for this nonsense !”

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I’m taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I’ve never heard before, why you were speeding… I’ll let you go.”

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- “Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back.” !!!

The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "…

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

Young boy: "Dad, what fun does a priest have?"
Father: "nun...."

An American arrives in Limerick and fancies a game of golf. He goes to the local club and asks if there's anyone who could play a round with him the following day saying they'd need to be good as he's pretty handy himself.
"Sure Doyles yer man." says the fella at the bar and he calls a boy over. "Here Doyle, will ya play this fella a game of golf tomorrow?"
"Aye sure!" says Doyle, "9 o'clock tomorrow morning, though I might be half an hour late."
"That'll do" says the American.
The next morning Doyle wanders up spot on 9 o'clock with a cracking set of right handed clubs and proceeds to stuff the American.
"You gotta give me a chance to win a game tomorrow!" says the American.
"Sure," says Doyle. 9 o'clock, though I may be half an hour late!"
The next morning Doyle arrives dead on 9 o'clock this time with a full set of left handed clubs.
"I've got him now." thinks the American. "He's playing with left handed clubs.
Doyle proceeds to give the American a golfing lesson.
"Ok that's it!" says the American "You have to give me a chance tomorrow to at least win one game!"
"Well ok," say's Doyle, "9 o'clock, but I may be half an hour late!"
That night the American cant stop thinking about being beaten and the next morning Doyle is late and arrives at 9.30.
"Tell me this," starts the American, "You beat me with right handed clubs then left handed clubs. How do you decide which clubs to play with?"
"Ahh sure thats easy," says Doyle, "when I wake up if my wife is lying on her right side I use the right clubs, if she's on her left side I use the left ones."
"What if she's lying on her back?" asks the American.
"Well now, thats why I'm half an hour late!"