LUFCTALK

Went to see a Psychic. Knocked on the door and a voice shouted 'who is it', so I went home.

Blokes wife told him to get some of those tablets which help with an erection. He bought his wife some slimming tablets. Last I heard he was sleeping on a mates sofa.

The AA have warned that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a Blanket/Sleeping bag, extra clothing (including Hat, Scarf and Gloves), 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-Icer, rock salt, torch, spare battery, petrol can, first aid kit and some jump leads.

I looked a right idiot on the bus.

Vladimir Putin arriving at airport passport control.
Guard: "Occupation?"
Putin: "No, Just visiting. "

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

Horse is in the pub having a few when he spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living"
horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on Blackpool beach", then he asks "did you win anything"
horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”,
They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything", so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace.
The horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies "thats me when I played for Juventus”.

NottinghamWhite wrote:Horse is in the pub having a few when he spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living"
horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on Blackpool beach", then he asks "did you win anything"
horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”,
They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything", so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace.
The horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies "thats me when I played for Juventus”.

I can remember, many, many years ago, that the punch line was 'when I played for Newcastle Utd'