The funny corner

[Deleted User 728]

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's impossible to put down!

That's a coincidence.
I went to watch Eastleigh play Hartlepool yesterday afternoon in the Conference - cracking game with the home side coming from a goal down twice to win 4-3 with a hat-trick for their centre forward and a late red card as a Pools player handled the ball into the net.
The best player on the park was a midfielder for the away side who came on as a second-half sub going by the name of Conor Newton.
I can only imagine he was coming back from an injury or something, as he looked a class above and scored a cracking goal in the top corner from the edge of the box with minimal backlift.
As soon as he got the goal, my mate turned to be and said "What I like about him is he has a low centre of gravity", to which I replied "Yeah, but he goes to ground too easily for me."

[daib0]

My wife's obsessed with her new tropical juice diet. It's enough to make a mango crazy.

[daib0]

I didn't realise Mugabe was from Yorkshire until i read his name backwards...

[johnh]

Eric, a teenager, was very shy. Never had a girl friend as he was too shy to start a conversation. In the group of lads he knocked about with was a guy who was the opposite. A bit flash but always had a girl on his arm. Eric asked the 'flash' for some advice. 'Its easy' said the flash, 'you just have a few lines prepared and before you know it you're talking away. For example, just start off with 'Hi, isn't it a lovely day' and then follow up with 'I think it will be quite warm later on. Then, before you know it, you will be chatting away.
Eric really fancied the girl who lived next door and a few days later he was at home looking out of the back window when he saw the girl next door walking down the yard to the outside toilet. He waited until she was returning and walked out into his own yard. Looking over the wall he said 'Hi, isn't it a lovely day'. 'Yes, it is' she said..................Eric said 'I think it will be quite warm later on'. 'Yes, I think it will' she said........................................................................................................................................Eric said 'did you enjoy your crap'................................................................................................................................................................The end.

[NottinghamWhite]

Just managed to burn 2000 calories in 30 minutes. Blooming pizzas well & truly ruined.

[NottinghamWhite]

Best Joke of the Year

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where
The devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here,"
Says the devil. "You are on my
List, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here,
So I'll tell you what I'm going to
Do. I've got a couple of folks here
Who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you
Have to take their place. I'll even
Let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded
Pretty good, so the devil opened
The door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a
Large pool of water. Ted kept
Diving in, and surfacing, empty
Handed. Over, and over, and
Over he dived in and surfaced
With nothing. Such was his fate
In hell.

"No," George said. "I don't think
So. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all
Day long."

The devil led him to the door of
The next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge-
Hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer,
Time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got
This problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if
All I could do was break rocks
All day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door.
Through it, George saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his
Arms tied over his head, and his
Legs restrained in a spread-eagle
Pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does
Best.

George looked at this in shocked
Disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
Man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said...........



"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[NottinghamWhite]

[NottinghamWhite]

I hate people who just can't let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst

[daib0]

Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living"
horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach", then he asks "did you win anything"
horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”,
They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything", so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace.
The horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies "thats me when I played for Juventus”.

[Deleted User 728]

Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living"
horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach", then he asks "did you win anything"
horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”,
They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything", so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace.
The horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies "thats me when I played for Juventus”.

HAHA !

Love it