The funny corner

[Aces]

Do you fart in bed?

If this story doesn’t make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

[Aces]

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under the yapping dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

[Davycc]

A blonde is sitting at the bar when a stranger asks if she'd like a drink, "yes" she replies, thanking him. They sit and chat for a while and the guy asks if she'd like to go for a drive in his car to which she agrees. The two walk to his car parked in a dark corner of the pubs car park and the blonde climbs into the passenger seat beside him. Just as he's about to start the car he has an urge to kiss her, which he does. To his delight she responds. Seizing the moment he asks her if she would like to get into the back seat, "no" she says, so he carries on kissing her. things get a little hotter and he asks her again "would you like to get into the back?" "No" she replies again and they carry on canoodling. Things now have become so hot and steamy the guy breaks off and asks again "are you sure you don't want to get in the back?" "I said no didn't I" she retorted, "hell why not?" he asked..... "because I want to stay in the front with you......"

[Aces]

True story reported by an British guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.

The British guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart...
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the British guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
The Brit, with a grin on his face, replies; 'Do you understand that I'm British, like my car, which is right-hand-drive, and that my wife is actually sitting in the other seat, which is the one behind the steering wheel?'

[cheffy007]

Laugh out loud funny

Link fixed +15

[Aces]

Laugh out loud funny

Link fixed +15

Brilliant that mate.

[Selby White]

THE GREEN THING - VERY TRUE!!!
Checking out at Tesco, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologised and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The assistant responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, soft drink bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed, sterilised and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs because we didn't have a lift or escalator in every shop and office building. We walked to the grocers and didn't climb into a 200-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 2000 watts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back then. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV or radio in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief not a screen the size of Yorkshire . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

When we were thirsty we drank from a tap instead of drinking from a plastic bottle of water shipped from the other side of the world. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor when the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical socket in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest fish and chip shop.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

[johnh]

SelbyWhite
I have seen it before, its brilliant. Shouldn't be in the funny corner though as its more true than funny. I know, I was there.

[Deleted User 2]

(not aimed at the author at all this, just generic) I know it's meant to be humorous, but this kind of "story" is popular through an underlying message that "the younger generation don't know what life is/they have it easy", etc. That may be true, but I find it this kind of rhetoric mildly irritating. Don't have time to go into all points, but it mostly comes down to (absence of) technology and convenience, rather than stoicism and the right kind of attitude. My Mum didn't wash nappies because she was being "green", she did it because she didn't have an alternative. Would she have loved to have a TV "the size of Yorkshire" when she was a child? You bet, but her family had a choice of buying a house or a television back then, so they chose to listen to the moon landing over the radio.

And I've never met a person who would contemplate to accuse an older generation than mine that they "didn't care enough to save the environment". Do these people exist? And I reuse razorblades and I wouldn't drive if I needed to get just round the corner, but I don't do it for the environment (don't care much for it myself), I just do it cause I think it's more sensible. Convenience and cost efficiency make the world go round, and technological advancement was just as embraced in the 50s as it is now. Surely our parents can find better stories to boast, than the fact they reused reused milk bottles?

[johnh]

Anyone who lived through the winters of 1947 and 1963 will know that there was no 'global warming' back then.