The funny corner

[cheffy007]

To see what all the fuss was about I decided to read old red noses autobiography, it's taking me ages though, every time I think I've finished it another 9 pages appear.

[Aces]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk....

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000. Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2014 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: How much?"

WOMAN: $60,000.

MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $450,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer $420,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you too."

The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment

Then he asks:

"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[Spiderman]

After discovering over 200 crows dead on roadsides in Manchester the wildlife trust commissioned an investigation to discover the cause.
Early investigations ruled out the suspected deadly Avian flu but further studies revealed that all the crows had been struck by traffic.
Cameras with audio capabilities were set up in nearby trees & on street lamps, this revealed that 98% of the crows were killed by trucks with the other 2% hit by vans & motorbikes, amazingly none were the victims of cars.

Further studies revealed that whenever crows were feeding on roadkill a solitary crow was positioned high up as a lookout.

On listening to the audio recordings they discovered that crows could only say "cah" & not "truck, van or motorbike"

[PockWhite]

Paddy says to Mick....... "I can't remember the name of that historical Greek film that Brad Pitt was in?"
"Troy" said Mick.
Paddy replied "I feckin' am, but I still can't remember!"

[johnh]

A sign of the times is that a lot of elderly people have to continue working. (I'm not one fortunately). This old guy went for an interview:

HUMAN RESOURCE PERSON: What would you say is your main weakness?

ELDERLY MAN: Honesty.

HUMAN RESOURCE PERSON: Honesty? I don't think that's a weakness.

ELDERLY MAN: I don't give a number 2s what you think.

[Sheepy]

lol, John you should write a joke book, a bit like Bob Monkhouse but be a bit more careful where you leave it lying around

[Aces]

Three young lads talking at school, the first, Jack says I bet you two my Dad is faster than your Dads, the second lad says why what does your Dad do, Jack says his Dad works in a circus and catch's a bullet fired from a gun in his teeth, and that's fast. The second lad Danny says my Dad is an athlete, and can run the 100m faster than Usain Bolt, and that's fast. The third lad Billy says my Dad is faster than both your Dads. How come say the other two. Well says Billy my Dad works for the council. Both Jack and Danny look at each other and say to Billy ,how does that make him fast? Billy says he doesn't finish work until 5 o'clock but he's at home by 3.

[Davycc]

I think this is hilarious, there are others as well but this one cracks me up.

[johnh]

Got my Liverpool Advent Calendar last week. Went to open my first window this morning and found it was boarded up.

[Aces]

Got my Liverpool Advent Calendar last week. Went to open my first window this morning and found it was boarded up.

Funny that mate, anything about the Scousers creases me up.