LUFCTALK

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began.

One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said: "You kids are a lot of fun. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing".

The boys were more than happy and continued to bang the bins. After a few days, the old man greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "I'm going to have to cut it down to 50 cents a day to keep banging the bins." The kids were obviously unimpressed but they accepted the reduction in payment and continued their afternoon activities.

A few days later, the man approached them again. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my payment yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"That's it?" the 'drum leader' exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these around for 25 cents each a day, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Saw the doctor yesterday. Dropped my trousers and underpants and showed him the boil on my backside. He told me to book an appointment and carried on his shopping in Tesco's.

I recently spent £5,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows!

He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him . . . . . . but they kind of taste like peppermint.

Titanic
https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=ht ... h%2Fx%2Fim

psquithy wrote:Titanic
https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=ht ... h%2Fx%2Fim

At the same time, Joe Biden is locked in his cabin below decks and refuses to come out to discuss anything. American politics is a mess at the moment and we think we've got problems. (Good post though psquithy. Reading it you can almost hear Trump saying it.)

Typos - The Greek God of spelling mistakes.

Stealing that one!

Warning this contains sexual references. I don't normally post such but I do think this one is very funny.

















Please, if easily offended do not read.


I went to the Doctors last week about my problem with Premature Ejaculation. The Doctor reassured me that it was actually quite common. He asked if I had a partner and I told him yes.

"How is she taking it?" he asked

I replied "At first she took it on the chin but then it started to get on her t*ts!"

This was an anecdote I heard Jonny Vaughan tell a few years ago and it really made me chuckle:

My auntie drove ambulances during the war. One day she accidentally knocked over a policeman. As they were putting him in the back of the ambulance she said to him “you were lucky we were here!”