LUFCTALK

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness.

I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it”.



I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.



I thought growing old would take longer.



People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.

Breaking news Neymar signs for Newcastle United at the 12th hour of deadline day.

Neymar defenders, Neymar midfielders & Neymar forwards.

Stealing that one!

Sad news at the Nestlé factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than fifty feet and crushed him underneath.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the milky bar's are on me", everybody cheered.

Wigan White wrote:Sad news at the Nestlé factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than fifty feet and crushed him underneath.

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the milky bar's are on me", everybody cheered.

Stolen

Ryanair announce a four hour delay to a flight. Guy goes up to the desk and asks why. Receptionist says that the pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine and it will take us four hours to find a pilot who can't hear it.

I spotted an albino Dalmation this morning, it was the least I could do for him.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Bono and Edge walk into a bar. The barman says, "Not U2 again!"