LUFCTALK

By 2035, Scientists have estimated that 1 in 3 adults will have managed Watford

Minor brawl in our local supermarket over loo rolls. Three guys taken to local A&E with soft tissue injuries.

You picked a fine time to leave me ..................

Imagine if the Titanic had had a lisp. Unthinkable!

I have reached 'THE WONDER YEARS'.


WONDER where I parked the car.

WONDER where I left my glasses.

WONDER what day it is.

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"
Solskjaer:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, Manager of scum”.
Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Solskjaer: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Solskjaer but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Solskjaer,"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
Solskjaer stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Solskjaer?”

Brilliant Matt cartoon in the Telegraph today.

'Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you annoy the French for a lifetime.

Whilst driving through Wales with my pal, we stopped off at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch for lunch.

I asked the waitress, "Could you settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very slowly?"

The waitress replied, "Burr gerr King!"

I've accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles this morning.


My next trip to the toilet could spell disaster.

Want a free ride in a helicopter? Flight for 4 people? I'm looking for 2 more to join me. We leave on Monday & fly to Monaco where we will have breakfast and then lunch on a yacht. If interested please PM me. Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go!