LUFCTALK

It’s just cost me a pound that’s one whole English pound to put some air in my tyres. Used to be twenty pence, suppose that’s inflation for you.

What do you say to someone struggling with grammar? There, their, they're.

Started a new job at the Samaritans last week.
Tried to ring in sick this morning & they talked me out of it!

A fancy sports car pulled up next to me driven by a sheep in a swimsuit, turned out it was a lamb bikini

I never had a good school report, so you can imagine how happy I was when HM revenue and customs got in touch to tell me my tax returns were outstanding.

Bloke goes into the electric shop and says ‘I need a battery so I can tell the time’

Assistant says ‘Is it for a clock?’

‘I don’t know’ says the bloke ‘that’s why I need a battery’

Pinched both of these.

I’m slowly getting over my obsession with Tipperary but there's a long way to go!

A lawer representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, “John, I have some good news and some bad news”.

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me she invested £5,000 in two pictures and that she thinks will bring a minimum of £15-20 million. I think she could be right”

John replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad new. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you naked with your secretary”

Nicked that ^