LUFCTALK

Guy walks into pub and sees a white horse sitting at the bar. He says 'there's a whisky named after you.' The horse says 'what, Eric?'

I have sex daily ........... No, wait ............I have dyslexia.

Jose Mourinho got an electricity bill from Scumchester United for £17,000.
He called them and asked how come he had any responsibility for it.
" you went into the trophy room in 2017 and left the light on."

I called in on the local Chinese takeaway on the way home from the pub and asked for the specials.

I ended up with too much foo yung.

Just ordered 4 kindles from Amazon and for some reason they've sent me a Two Ronnie's DVD.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record store and asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly.” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful." says the expert and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant “I'm terribly sorry but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognise any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologies and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognise any of these sounds."
The assistant apologises again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

The manager of John 'O Groats FC has resigned after a heavy defeat to Lands End United, "i ve taken the team as far as they can go" he said.

A man goes into a pub and goes to grab a peanut from a dish on the bar and the peanut says to him:

“Oh you’re looking great tonight mate, your aftershave smells amazing and you look so trim, have you lost weight?

He then goes over to the jukebox and the jukebox says to him:

“Christ look at the state of you you scruff, you’ve piled the weight on fatty and your hairs receding and you absolutely stink of B.O”

The guy goes over to the barman and says “what the hells going on here then”

The barman says “The peanuts are complimentary but the jukebox is out of order”

NottinghamWhite wrote: ↑24 Jul 2022, 12:26 A man goes into a pub and goes to grab a peanut from a dish on the bar and the peanut says to him:

“Oh you’re looking great tonight mate, your aftershave smells amazing and you look so trim, have you lost weight?

He then goes over to the jukebox and the jukebox says to him:

“Christ look at the state of you you scruff, you’ve piled the weight on fatty and your hairs receding and you absolutely stink of B.O”

The guy goes over to the barman and says “what the hells going on here then”

The barman says “The peanuts are complimentary but the jukebox is out of order”